Lessons for Living

“Before his downfall a man’s heart is proud, but humility comes before honor.” – Proverbs 18:12 (NIV)

Each year, as August ends and September begins my mind returns to a major transition in my life, now one decade old.

As mentioned previously, it was the summer of 2009 and my life was undergoing internal turmoil. From outward appearances most people would have assumed that I had “my act together.” Little did I or anyone around me realize how little the appearance on the outside was true of what the man on the inside really thought and felt.

Quite without my awareness of it I was living a very isolated life where I could be “god” of my own little world and keep others at a “safe” distance.

The influences that God brought to bear on my life during the summer of 2009 are too numerous to recount but in reflection I realize that there were some major areas of repentance He was working within me. Repentance, if you don’t know, is from the Greek word “metanoia.”  At its root, it means “a change of mind.” It actually refers to a change of mind that results in a change of life. When true and heartfelt repentance takes place we often see dramatic and permanent transformation.  

In my case, there was plenty of drama. I was not at all happy or satisfied with where I was at in life or where I was headed. There were also major issues that I had covered up going back more than a few years which I knew deep down needed to be confessed and cleaned up.

As a result, on the 1^st of September 2019 I took one of the most difficult steps of my entire life and phoned a friend. There were probably people around me I needed to speak to first, but I had to start somewhere. The depth of my despair was soon touched by the healing power of compassion in the voice at the other end of the line.

Up to then I was never known as being a very “vulnerable” person. Little did I realize at the time that the leap of faith that I took on that day would radically alter my life forever.

I often refer to myself as “a recovering perfectionist.” A perfectionist, I’ve learned, longs for a perfect world where he or she can “get everything right” so that they can avoid criticism or judgement from others. If I were to confess my sin and brokenness it could radically alter my public image. Would that shatter my life forever? How could I handle it if others knew me in my brokenness and imperfection?

The first conversation led to many significant others. As time moved on there was a new “posture” emerging in my life. This “posture” included not only repentance, but humility and most of all vulnerability. Vulnerability means “open to attack” and I certainly felt open to forces that I could in no way predict or control. The entire experience can easily be described as personally devastating but deeply healing. I would also learn that vulnerability is a steady and constant companion of humility – it’s never “one-and-done.”

I admit there were plenty of messes for me to clean up. I also found that God was in the mess of life and He’s a Master of clean-up and restoration in the lives of all who humbly seek Him. During the past decade there have been many lessons recorded in my journal and at least one book is probably within me. I also have deep and lasting gratitude to the heroes of my life who got me through my darkest hours by giving me time, space and most of all acceptance and compassion.

God designed us to live a life that is “connected” – with Him and others. By living in isolation we can easily become proud and distant from God and those around us who need us to be the “real” people God created us to be.

It’s only through open vulnerability and humble recognition of our need in some type of public way before we can know we are loved and accepted, even in our mess.

One decade later, I’m forever thankful to God who worked in my heart to disturb me into a dramatic change of direction in life. And I’m forever grateful to my family and a myriad of friends who stayed the course with me, loved and accepted me, warts and all. You know who your friends are when they never condone your rebellion but always affirm that your sins never define your identity.

“Coming clean” takes courage, vulnerability and humility but I’m now convinced that lasting change comes by no other route. May you in God’s grace find that path that leads to wholeness, healing and health.